Slow operation, Crashed, Virus or Malware? Need some new hardware?
Keep your sensitive business and personal data completely private while we help you tune and tweek or upgrade and disinfect your own computer yourself! Our sessions are $25 for 45 minutes! Tell us your problem, and we will quickly build you a set of personalized step-by-step instructions and provide powerful but free software required to solve your issues.
We tutor you through repairs and virus/malware removal by phone. At your option, we can see your screen with a secure shared desktop. If you'll let us, we can also run your computer remotely while you watch. You can see and control everything we do on your screen. Our computer phone eliminates long distance charges from anywhere in the world. For dialup users we have a shared desktop and a vanilla phone that works with low bandwidth.
Our price is for the live service & you keep the easy to use software from the session for future use as the new master of your PC! You'll be an expert when done, speed up your computer and add years to its life. If you're being held hostage by some "computer guy", we'll set you free and save you a lot of money! Order time or a complete hard copy package ...
We can help you do your own hardware installation. See our Hardware Page, which describes installations in ordinary language. Only simple, inexpensive tools are needed. We also tutor in most software applications. Don't miss our page on Your PC and Your Money.
Why doesn't commercial, off-the shelf virus/malware and tuneup/speedup software work?
"Free" Tuneup/speedup Software: Most of it contains spyware and some contain malware. None of the tools know what you need running in the background and leaves obsolete and unnecessary processes constantly running in the background. It takes a hands-on personal approach to effectively tune up a computer. Windows generates errors and makes background problems very hard to find. You will have registry errors and other garbage that slows you down. They just accrue, and Windows isn't smart enough to fix them. Especially "Players" like Real Player, QuickTime and WIndows media are having a little war inside your computer and each loads multiple processes at startup taht you don't need. There are many other "services" within Windows you absolutely don't want either. These add up over time and bog down your computer. Commercial tuneup/speedup software has no idea whether you want "ligitimate" software running or not and just leaves it in place.Virus/Malware Removal: Over the years, we have tried all of the major programs. Often we try 3-4 different scanners in a row and get horrifyingly different results in what they find. One may find 2 different pieces of malware, another none and another may find 5! The quality of these programs varies widely. The Windows Firewall does NOT protect you from viruses or Trojan Horses, and that's official, from Microsoft! Worse, that you have an anti-virus program running does NOT mean that you aren't infected. Once malware is inside your computer it sees anti-virus software and hides itself by morphing and changing it's name and address. Much malware doesn't even slow down your computer ... It just sits there stealing your passwords and financial data! Malware and Trojan Horses come from organized crime and are big business. See our Virus and Malware Section. We demystify your computer and help you get rid of it.
Keeping costs down ....
Our "custom" instructions are built from templates. We cut and paste instructions and software links from our Master Manual. Once we hear your problem, it usually just takes a few minutes to send you what you need. We probably have a specific page ready to go at our server. If you can't get on line at all,we will call you on a land line and absorb the cost. Our hourly rate is prorated to the minute, with a $25 minimum for a 45 minute session. If sessions run over, the time is billed at 60 cents per minute. One session is usually enough to solve even major problems. We want you thrilled so you'll come back and send referrals. We use ordinary language but can upgrade to ultra-geek talk and our sessions go quickly.
Our
free
utility software is powerful, tested, and has been
carefully selected over decades of
experience. We hate the free,
brain-damaged
sneakware that costs to be fully-functional and is hard to remove. Our
library ranges from Microsoft Technical
Support on down to some very cool freeeware and open source
programs. We're only selling our time and advice here,
not software.
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Example Free Software we provide with consultation ... Selections will solve most problems.
Ultra-Defragger: Improves on the Windows version ... Computer Inventory: Lists all your hardware and software, plus all updates; Registry Cleaner: Finds and repairs hundreds of errors that Windows can't. Temperature, Fan and Drive Monitor: Heat is a major cause of computer problems [includes fan speed and voltages for most computers]; Process Exploration: Three versions, see everything running on your computer- kill anything; Executeable and Driver Inventory: see everything on your computer and select, defer or delete startups Virus Detection, Removal and Protection: Best free home edition. Linux: Choice of three for severe clog and crash problems. Easy desktop, browser, broadband, email and more, but even loads on very old PCs. Remote Desktops: At your complete option, we can see and/or your computer remotely. Internet Phones: Choice of three for free computer to computer calls and cheap computer to phone calls. video phone option, ans. machine and unlimited size file transfers. Backup and Encryption Programs: Two each to choose from for novices & up. Broadband upload and download speed check; Plus more ...menuTIP: A good option is to follow our instructions and use the software overnight or at your leisure, then call us back for another session only if you need it.
If you can't get on line at all or are completely crashed ...
Order a hard copy package from us for $99.95 with CD, Manual and two hours of instruction and have the package delivered ... OR ... You can call from somewhere with a working computer. We'll tell you what what you need to download and how to use it. You'll print instructions we send and copy software for use on your PC. Scroll down to order.For a complete Windows crash [no boot], it goes like this: Get a small Linux rescue operating system from us [Windows startup not necessary]; Access your BIOS [startup system on your motherboard] escaping the regular startup sequence ... and change the startup drive to the CD, floppy or USB drive. It's pretty simple, your data files are probably still intact, can be saved first, and then your computer can be fixed.
Experts: OK, so you're an expert. We are too. You probably know much of this stuff already. If you're reading this, it means either that you're interested in our business model and want to do a knockoff, or ... looking for a quick solution to your own problem and some free tips. We don't do "free", but what we can do is save you a lot of time. Don't waste resources trying various commercial, off-the-shelf PC solutions, full of spy and nagware ... Call us up. We've got decades of experience and have spent months screening and testing software. It will only cost you $25 to find out if we can be cost-effective for you.
Packages & Rates
When you select a choice, you will be taken to a secure PayPal site that takes all major cards and other types of transfers.
Full Enlightenment: Hard Copy Version: $99.95 Laser printed, bound, comprehensive manual; Step by step instructions and checklist for a complete computer tuneup and deep virus/malware removal; CD with over 20 software programs, included or linked . Includes two one hour live sessions. sent via USPS ... Fed-Ex or UPS is extra.
Regular Phone Help Rates and Options: $25 minimum [45 minutes or less.] Additional minutes calculated @ 60 cents per minute. [See our Terms of Service] We are PayPaltm Verified and can take credit cards over the phone, which is fast and convenient, because we can start your session immediately. Charges will show on your statement as a "Vport" info session ... Vport is a short version of our other job @ ... www.hdvport.com. .Order a session or a package ...Our mission is to help you help yourself and give you the tools.
Who We Are:
Phil: is a philosopher of science and logician with nine years of college [SUNY, Guelph, London] and a master's degree in computer simulation of thinking. Resides: North Florida, 14 miles south of the University of Florida. Phil's computer hardware experience started with 8088's and DOS, through 386's to dual core Pentiums. He's done marine robotics prototyping work [hardware, software, waterproof enclosures, boat hulls and molds] that can be seen in our compressed Flash demo. He is proficient in Corel Drawtm, Vegas Pro 8tm HD video editing, Dreamweavertm, word processing, and spread sheets. He's also experienced with exotics like factory process control, LabViewtm and remote sensing.
Susan: has an MFA [Penn] and has paid her dues under Phil's tutelage for 8-9 years ... learning to solve her own crash. clog and virus problems. She's now proficient. and excellent on the phone. She's patient with novices, and remembers her own experience with the counter-intuitive stuff, like the simple example of hitting start to turn off the computer. For relative beginners, it's better to have somebody who learned recently, because she well-remembers what can be confusing. In her spare time, Sue has a North Florida farm and breeds champion show horses. [Mostly Oldenbergs and Trakehners.] She's currently learning Linux for on-line work to keep her notebook safe.
Our Associates: When we need sophisticated code writing or fancy 3D AutoCad work, we usually turn to young experts at the University of Florida ... usually engineering grad students, who are always hungry. For complicated projects, we cull them until we find the right guy. For very difficult Windowstm problems, we have "Official" Microsoft types we call, but candidly, they usually wind up searching for solutions like we do, and we find the most economical method is to find the workarounds or answers ourselves. menu
Virus and Malware Infection and Removal:
There are many ways you can get infected and reinfected:
A. Pirate chinese parts, Per the FBI
B. Network, home/office
C. Neighbor's wi-fi
D. The Web
E. Infected Email
F. Infected Pen Drive or portable hard drive
G.Your own or shared data disks
H. Infected web sites
I. Pirate movies and pirate software
For an introduction to viruses, worms, malware and Trojan horses, see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Computer_virus
Speeding up a computer and freeing up space is pretty simple, however ... removing viruses. trojans and malware can get very complicated. If a computer service guarantees they can get rid of a virus in half a day for say $150 ... they are lying! It can take days! Best Buy's Geek Squad charges $199.00 for in-store virus removal and $299.00 for house calls. Here is a typical complaint and response from a web search: http://www.complaintsboard.com/complaints/computer-repair-c50572.html
Complaint: I took my computer to the Geek Squadtm at Best Buy hoping for a good experience. Truth is...it was awful! The "agents" have NO customer service skills, very little computer skills, could not tell me what they had actually done to my computer, could not tell me when it would be ready, and could not answer the most basic computer questions. I was told my computer would take five days to repair and now four weeks later I still do not have my computer back! The worst part, I was asked to pay upfront for "diagnostic and repair." Problem is, no repairs have actually been made, they are trying to charge me even more money (on top of the $215 I've already paid) and they did not actually repair anything. Geek Squad is awful. Do not take your computer repair to Geek Squadtm.
Response: I only been a Geek Squadtm member for a short time. I can tell you that you have every reason to be angry. the Geek Squadtm are not certified and have no formal schooling ... nothing. The agent gimmick is a ruse to get you to buy. I can also tell you that Geek Squad does not know how to do a spyware/virus removal. They hook your pc up to the internet and let some yahoo from India fix it. its called agent jonny utah. So there goes your privacy. Also if you want pictures on how the back room where youur computer is stored or material that you have as a warranty is kept I will be more than willing to show the public what goes on behind closed doors
That your computer runs better after a typical, commercial Spy program "removes" problems, doesn't mean they're gone. The virus could still be there, lurking with only fragments removed and may crop up again. It might also be on your removable flash memory or data disks and you can reinfect yourself. For backup and crosscheck, we use an Alternate Operating System Scanner. Once a system is infected with smart malware it becomes difficult to remove since it is embedded in the system and probably has control over multiple components ... deep in the system and has possibly spread to portable flash and hard drives and removable media, like floppies and CDs and DVDs.
A good analogy is ... How did the STD spread at the orgy?
Malware, like rootkits, modifies system components to disguise themselves. That is, a process has a correct looking name, but a rotten core. They can actively prevent other software from detecting or removing them. If malware controls the system, it obviously can control any software that may be run later, like security applications.
If you are infected or ever have been you should change ALL of your passwords!!!
Typical off the shelf anti-virus programs run inside Windowstm. Off the shelf anti-virus programs like PC Doctor, AVG. Avast and McAffee are the 98% solution but can hide symptoms and not cure the disease. We want to be emphatic about this point!
Sometimes [but not usually] malware can only be removed when your Windowstm operating system is not running. Malware often starts up along with the Operating System, so in rare cases it is necessary to stop the Operating System to stop the malware. On a shut down OS nothing is running and malware like rootkits cannot hide themselves making it possible to find and remove them.
A nice, borrowed analogy is that Windowstm, the patient, sometimes needs to be put under general anaesthesia. One method to do this is run process exploration software in Safe Mode ... We can walk you through that. An alternate operating system like Linux, booted instead of Windowstm, can scan through all the files on the sleeping patient, unhampered by any running applications or malware. Linux, installed from a floppy, pen drive or optical drive, can run scanners, which then can read data from a malware and virus database. The scanners scan the files and registry entries of the anaesthetized OS and use data base signatures to identify the problems so bad entries can be deleted.
In the unlikely event that your computer hard drive should be wiped clean rather than be fixed, we'll tell you. Sometimes malware removal can take a day and it doesn't make sense to spend $300 for a major spyware removal when you can buy a new one for the same money. New computers are cheap, but powerful. We can help you transfer the data after scanning files for infections, set up your new mail boxes, etc.
There is some good news though ...
Old and or/badly infected computers can still be used and very useful. In severe cases, and depending on circumstances, we often advise people to install a simple version of Linux, like "Puppy", that can be used by novices. It will have a desktop, but run your computer nicely with clickable icons much like Windowstm. You will be able to see/save/print/copy your old files. Inspected/disinfected virus free files can be saved to CD/DVDs and then safely installed on a new computer, or reinstalled on an old computer after a complete reformat and a fresh install of Windowstm.
If you get a new computer, the old one can then be used for simple but risky web and network-connected activities like email and web surfing, keeping your new computer safe. Especially without Windowstm bloatware, and all of the media players and other unessential processes that run in the background like Digital Rights Management "helpers" ... your old computer will work just fine. You can do the basics with the tiny Linux distro we can send you. It's only 50 megs. It has a browser, email, word processing, etc., and will probably even see your wireless network automatically!
Windowstm Bloatware: Requirements For XP are: At least 64 megabytes (MB) of RAM (128 MB is recommended) or it will run in virtual memory. At least 1.5 gigabytes (GB) of available space on the hard disk.
Vistatm needs 20 GB of hard drive with at least 15 GB of available space. That's many times what XP needs, and hundreds of times what a small Linux diistribution needs to run a desktop with essential services ... The small Linux distro we use is a quick little guy and can breathe new life into even a very old computer, like even a 1986 IBM 386!!!
Yet another worry ... unwanted processes that are quasi- "legitimate" and might look "OK" to a virus scanner but are still very evil. Example: Is a disgruntled or nosy employee or an "ex" watching everything you do remotely, like email, password changes and more with a free, simple "key logger"? These are the types of things you'll learn how to find as we proceed with the longer sessions.
Are we having fun yet? Let's get started. Call us up. menu
Terms of Service
No Guarantee: It is 98% probable that we can solve your Windowstm problems cost-effectively.The almost worse case is that your problems are not fixable, but your data can be recovered. The tools to save data will be provided ... like the small Linux version, and we can walk you through that. The unlikely, very worst case would be a virus that wiped out your drives completely or serious physical damage to a hard disk.
If you can't get on line at all, we will call you on a land line and will absorb the cost in our hourly rate.
Our call times are precisely logged by our phone system and we take credit cards over the phone beforewe start giving advice. We aren't set up for "just one quick question", which never is. There is a $25 minimum for all consultations whether you use all of the 45 minutes or not. If you need or want more time, preparing with notes in advance will save you money. We won't ever milk you. We want your referral business and harder problems that you might generate if you turn into a power user.
Order time or a complete hard copy package ...
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